Cultural and our own in mind ...

living styles 

Flood proof ... tornado proof 

...for me clutter proof 

And the less is more ... 

My daughter on trying to open the lounge window through the layers of net earlier this month 

This room where it happened; the temperature never rises 

And suddenly all those suppressed moments of decorating coming out in a muddle 

I am now undoing my own very bizarre adjustments 

Start Somewhere

a better sleep pattern into a laze of a Sunday morning in my climate ... no one to bother hurt or annoy me ... 

... until I go out today ....

Or social interaction of flirting ... The older married men in front of the missus is amusing ... And in Cornwall ... My goodness you need ears of steel to cope with those ... the joys without amusement in this time ... after not seeing wandering hands ... eyes and worse the foul disdain for women at times 

Yes ... I am back 

The intimacy or secrecy

the partner of me daughter was thrown end in the deep end of life 'ere ... the year my deceased Dad was having treatments that left him in not being himself 

In steps ... this lovely young chap at times on his own ... to assist one long summer season 

From that time he put to one side a brand new watch of my late hubbys and a few seasons later was able to put his hands on it 

This is the life in a home secretive with my husband 

Full blown open with me 

Strangers and friends alike in this tomb of time knowing where things were put 

I am gradually reclaiming it back 

Illuminating the dark

ceasing the moments in the many of the few ... Sitting in the perpetual pile of time ... Standing at the edge of a precipice vacant in space ... Vertical in grasping and hurling past times ... Horizontal in warmth of peace or boggled with concepts in middles of muddles in middles ... 

the mind at work ... Clearing in light to why we burden ourselves so much in this life ... 

How habits are hardest in hinder from harvesting heaps of horrific heels of hounding a house ... a home once homely and inviting ...  to abysmal artefacts of archaic aromas and insensitivity in why it would be happening .... Adding further misery muddles and clutter to a already intolerable time ticking into a waste of energy and a life 

of which I am still seeing ... reeling and reliving in a perpetuality which is as cruel ... as it is barbaric and merciless 

The stare in the night

from in the shadows

the anger in there 

the shimmery images on the walls 

the eerie storm from before

the scary story in mighty forth

the echoes of times in rustles 

in under the eaves of darkness a sneeze

in time incredible to believe 

Silly me, I forgot see,

a cupboard in use,
not been in since,
I did some more of the wince,
operating the mind back in
that things in, not out
a time since hence
still not accustomed thence.
Wow! Thee can now do in glee ...

Finishing half way

leaves one restless in the subconscious ... I hope this gets easier ...  this is the legacy of a brutal time of non compliance and understanding until a death occurred ... For me ... That legacy of nervy nerves is a permanent scar on this mind ... 

A trail of devastation

Surrounds me tonight

I only hope for a continuance without interruptions on first working day of week

Then the path will be cleared again ... ready for some serious celebrating on achievements

The start of people thinking they are in the wrong home ... this time around for the good again

Plans afoot ...

in this rest time ... My mind still working away to get through this swiftly ... the muddle in mind is not conducive ... 

The slow tidy up to wind down for what mood takes me this week. The preparation for the plans to come and live at the sane time in the now. This makes me laugh from all the Mind activities and Recovery Star and goodness knows what ... I am surrounded by the past .

How is one to live the now ...

Tinkering in the night

revealed a treasure trove of goodies 

The ponder now which direction will they go 

Me mine or them 

The words belies the mind ..

.... the fact I remember how long I have logged on this platform is easy ... It was in the wedding anniversary month ... 

And a May with a difference, one taster day of job types led to many,  many avenues of a programme of training days, for voluntary work, computer one day courses condensed in mind boggling time and a few exams passed in condensed fast track time .... 

And the opportunities still bursting forth; I have yet to decide on for the end of this month ... 

The new opportunities in Kernow I already have my eye on ... But first ... The unimaginable 

... VHS or Beta ...

... The early greedy days of more modern consumerism... 

... The wires that have increased with all the gadgets 

... my ways were lost in all that eventually surrounded both in and out the home ...

... I am fanatical with wires being minimal at the best of times ... 

... the same goes for alternating these clumsy tapes seasonally that took up up space in many a room ...

... certain companies releasing  limited time videos ... then racking more money in with the advent of the next waves of technology to come ....

... They do not want the minimal amount for a lot in one case, they love adding to the clutter for monetary gain .... 

... but ... I do like the movies ...as with literature ... music and more ... 

... thank goodness for those irritating repeats on the TV and now too the overwhelming choice of TV channels 

... I do not record or hoard programmes to catch up later ...

... again thank you for +1...

... Minimal tech for maximum effect ... for one from a life in realms ...

... photos of the crazy one ...

The better side of discovery in clearing down extremes

... the out of date styles ... those poses that never date ...

the amusement of going through those documents and photos together recently on another death and some more much since ...

those photos of a young mum and dad, just as they themselves are ... in another generation ...

the photos on the carnival floats ... a fairy, pixie, a geisha, St Trinians and one of the children in There was an old women and an Indian ... the word for what we were would now be offensive  .... to name some ... the plays put on for the ******** ... another now offensive word .... How times how moved along from that archaic time  ...

me popping up with those hats too, now come around in fashion from time and again  .. 

At least the memories stirred in them were of the fun we always have 

The vitality in life captured 

... Patronising to say the least ...

Disembodied and disembowelled at worst 

Writers' Block ...

... I have plenty of prompts from past to now ... In clearing through a home of extremes ... 

This last week I have been reading my late husbands letters ..  I came across in his belongings ... He had pen friends too ... 

A fascinating piece of history in the life of a young male in the 1980s ... 

This is the more positive side, not only of hoarding. The grieving period in going through the departeds ... bits and bobs we are left with ... 

It seems an age ...

in this years May start. A long haul. Time in past zones. Tucked away from the world in tasks. The disenchantment. the bitter, the realisation, smiles. The what on earth. Where did that go.? What.? How ridiculous... How did I survive? 

Within two weeks

of another funeral 

I have with more gusto than I have had since the day hubby died ... I have pushed and pulled and shoved a lot more out of my life ... 

There is not full understanding.  I was pretty much left stranded in the crucial moments of our lives. The ambulance did not come out ... the crisis team did not come out when I telephoned ... no one came that knew the situation nor the following day when the ambulance responded this time round ... Even they said  it should have come out ... 

 ... Aside from the fact of before all that timeline and a multi agency meeting in the Autumn ... No one cared enough to do anything positive ... 

... This Photo belies the chaos ...

... currently in this particular place ...

A cupboard not seen the light of day in a good while  ... It is in good condition, for what was in front of it for a while ...  It has been accessible since the post crisis mass clear ... I knew behind the door time had stood still to the last time it was used ... I could not bear to see it ... This photo was taken towards the end ... at this stage I am not not so interested in the before ... I want the now ... I am ready to start destroying the past ... I do not wish to live there now ... 

Today I finally pulled it all out 

I will be getting to finally put back in use ... again ... 

... I Started ... So ... I Finish ...

... While I am awaiting a dip in the bath ... 

to ease the achy muscles ... I peaked in a corner cupboard in the kitchen ... These are those awkward cupboards that well planned kitchen designs or my late Dad did well with 

I; when I am not living in a place to renovate adjust, my needs accordingly...

... this moment was seeing unfinished plans ... 

I had stored our to do jobs projects in the kitchen in this particularly cupboard here ... before tattered times fell upon this abode 

Or the hardly used or seasonal 

I have decided I am not keeping tools to drill etc I will hire in equipment 

 or get someone in to do it ... or have freestanding ...  life style in Kernow is different ... 

A handyman who now gets the odd jobs done  for mum since dad passed. We were in the same form at school ... 

This will be as life entails now 

More items from things planned  not to materialise in our life to go 

A sad moment for those plans that usually to be ... were not ... 

Transformation in Time

A Tiresome Tomb 

It is often forgotten a tragedy happened this way 

The linger in air 

I have reversed everything since I was widowed 

I knew it would and will take time 

There comes a point 

When that's it

No one knows how I am 

Life needs to be simpler 

We are being slowly absorbed into to much quantity and losing the quality of life 

... All things spliced ...

..  spiced up this day ... with a bit of what I love ... to bring me back ... I was so contented away from life ... 

... this is only understood a tad by fellow widows ... 

.. put every life stresses plus the more unusual ones all together and it is a recipe for disaster ... 

.. clutter phobias and my new phobias and irritants ... 

• Newspapers 
• over advertising in ya face especially some charities 
• Product labels 
• Sirens 
• pieces of paper 
• Post 
• Everyday life 
• The unnecessary 
• Clink of glasses 
• Wine glasses
• Alcohol ... Lethal ... 
• Over Sugared drinks ... Lethal ... 

... This is only a very tiny amount ... 

Countdown ...

... to the next trip out of county ...

This the spur ... to enable the permanent out and back ... things dependant on the way life turns out ... 

All these avenues currently opening up that envitably happen when least expected ... 

I hope to watch a film tonight ... the fact I am in more of a store cupboard is evident ... the latest operative to do the Gas Safeth Check would have witnessed with the bags piled up ... 

And how did that make you feel.?

... none of those silly questions today ... 

Time spent with a fast and swift disposal of habitual behaviour post traumatic crisis after tragic consequences of another's hoarding ... 

Toss and toss ... Some more tossing ... Some cursing ... Some tears ... 

Some smiles and a cackle or few ... The same wicked laugh turning heads in amusement up North with my inappropriate behaviour when out in a restaurant ... My sister laughing with me ... 

The swirl of dust and invisible silent life going along with it ...

The Churn and Yearn ...

... Within the bowels of a home that has seen tragedy ... My steadfastness in staying here to see through the rupture of life in my way ... 

The fascinating journey how the outside looks in ... And walks through the echoes of chambers what happened in this very room just over from where I am sitting ... 

The furniture hiding the floor rots ... From times marked from troubles until ripped up by the void process in social housing ... or the next tenants ... I will not waste my precious time or money on that type of decor no more ... 

Decisive in clear ...

to tidy the home back in place for a weekend to contemplate the next stage ..

More than enough memories to blow the mind away ... . yet again today ...

More than my hour a day ....

In removing the unnecessary to necessary .... 

I have been out of the comfort Zone this afternoon in clearing a room. The focus to not to be so distracted ... the part of me to spring clean when you need to remove items to do so .. the part of me to walk away ... 

I have been jolted back to 200? ... A bag retrieved with a variety of life at that time... A mixture of the life and times of our moments then ... Board Member ... Youth council ... Community help ... Rehearsal Schedules ... Agendas and paraphernalia long overdue for safe disposal ... 

To not replace ...

In my strategy to live life as life. In not getting caught up with what us Mrs Robinsons' were caught up in again ...

I will not be replacing what becomes old, unless it is of use to the workings of he home and again depends on the life style I seek ... 

All that patronising on hearing my trips to the charity ... Do I pick up as much ... as I drop off ?

I am me ... not hubby ... 

A Lasting Impression...

within the context of a home ...

You will never see it in the same light ....I have been in homes since ... 

It is the same ... Where ever I lay my head ...