The stillness continues

in the bound and bind of tattered times, 

And there are new happy memories

Our first Christmas without a son, husband and Daddy .. getting on with new times... new technology across the generations .... playing games on an electronic pad ...    

The still

and the belief back in remnants of what still is in accomplishing outside of the box. The in adjustment of disturbing the time in dust. It is on hold a while. I was struggling indirectly from the mishap last week. I will have the much valued time away to come back in vengeance to. The days away less than of late. 

I already have the end game in room plans. The decor and how it can be ... the task now in getting there. A lot sooner rather than later. I have surveyed already what will be quick and slow to disperse. The focus I didn't have most of it originally. The let go started in ernest in a room difficult last week 

All the while gaining knowledge, confidence and wisdom in many diversions of thought in the demographics on a hospital ward in very small doses ... 

A stop off from the mixture of life a moment....

The remedies in the scars left here  ... the best way forward and all that ... The shite left for me in others ways. The one prominent life style change out of all this in my innermost thoughts. The ToDo here on in. It is interesting indeed that the way each and everyone views upon stopping by in  this boiling pot of anger. The rainbow of those emotions in here, stirred raw in bereft ... 

.... the sunnier lift in spirit... now in the focus ... 

Though each day now the shift in tide that too ebbs and flows inside a room behind a door ....  The Gas upgrade kitchen boxes I never put back. A cousin cleared the space into the back bedroom .... I will no doubt get reunited with the replacement stuff I have made do without ... I can see them boxes now in a space to wade.

The whirlwind swirl of items given to replace, the stuff told to rescue of value in the designated clear back from temporarary ... The home of another .... and then the last room items when another Death came to clear those belonging too. This in with the muddle of establishing life, then the home of another cluttered kin and a Dad to rush to during various cancer treatments 

... All added to the muddle of a life turned out of recognition... 

Thy letterbox

is now fruitless ... thankful that the past week of tipped turmoil only two items dropped through. The mininmal in paperwork now happened as intended .. The postal mail service shots still bothersome .... those straight in recycle ... the kiddies stuff from the year of teaching training dwindling off ... 

Online as was the intention of the boffins working for thy at last! 

The surreal in a still

of a day where I thought it will be a little more of a flurry with a daughter talking non stop on arriving here. 

Though from the progress in a room to clear it again for the space to get to the space needed to restore the rooms instead. Could be seen from afar. 

I went out to get the forgotten shopping from yesterday. I still did not get everything... my mind back in the past. 

Another trip out tomorrow, and maybe have some time to make a start on the plans. The plans made to adjust the overdue complexity here in a room. A mish mash of muddle from the forgotten items back into a home. Another home cleared and those little bits like photos and family history documentation. A sewing table too that was in residence of home for seniors, to make it more homely. This I remember was in the front room of my mother in laws Mums front room in her home in Dartford... 

It will now soon be in a front room of a great grand kid. 

And the stuff chucked from spreading out and had to dash to be at many a bedside of Dad in a season into season of non stop interwoven time in clearing my home, another home and being at the bedside. And chasing up the promised gas boiler upgrade. And continuity of much else still to this day ... a slap in the face! 

And my own tattered routines in restoration in all that muddling mishaps.. I had no time to myself to think clearly, let alone adjust to much in that early time. 

A day not to be

this day was in part listening to a daughter chatting non stop on arriving for some time together The non stop talking happened last night into the night instead!  ... 

It gives me a bit of reprieve ... I find everything so mentally draining in the complexes still echoing from that too overwhelming set of circumstances 

The hope so

maybe and definitely... the infinite rituals to escape the millstone baggage. I believe where the strengths lies will come answers. And that some original thoughts in this time more likely to come to fruition than ever thought possible initially 

The logic in the recesses

the longing to have that life once in a room allocated for its need ...

The bathroom and mostly a kitchen apart from the larder, coming together already. The await of a certain room to disperse on that unnecessary. That each room will have a chair to go and spend time in to air and regain its use. ... and the bedroom a haven to sleep in again...

A long time coming back ... the wonder in will I use each area or not in its function or continually use the way it came ... to be in this half and half process currently..

A logic still not fully put in words ... The denial part of accepting life, Where once a daughter said... "I'd rather Daddy was here with the mess, than Daddy not here in the space!"

... dismissive in appreciation ...

June in summer of 2017;
the colour beyond 

the time in image to dismiss. The pictorial clutter to disperse of from this time. The archive of images that could be written into papers to publish. The dissertations ideas aplenty if I go that route. 

The prompts from these images for future writings ... for now the short and many into scattered, shattered posts for now. I came across another unpublished poem, that goes down well with all those beloved. 

I am still working out the design on this photo. To me it is not quite right. These days now it goes more by the by, otherwise it would never get done or seen in sharing. 

Another early poem escaped me. That is life in this rumblings much more and beyond. The irritation put in the context to just enjoy the now, anything else is a blessing wrong or right ....

The plans in a countdown

for yet another wave in the heatwave. When it was too hot to be physical or have the shredder busting it's gut ... I did things in ease. The next dustcloud dislodged ... 

I have the ideas a little more carefree and yes the walls of darkness falls. I feel void. The news is wretched beyond the walls. It now reminds those that are in governance are as good as the skills they possess and the people around in the team within. The coordinated response project management modules so lacking in this first world country. 

The evolution of hate and disdain. The way grounded people do come together in times of blight encouraging  ... I am a little blunt in this after my archaic incidents that came upon a few seasons .... though a lot of those did donate as well as basic goods needed  .... time rather than goods is very appreciated after the fire, one knows this in a different context when you flee a home little more than the clothes you where, some keys and a device !!! 

The minimal and

the  clutter in communal blocks ... our three storey high flats makes for some challenging moves ... those that toss out the window to those carting up the flights of stairs in each change of resident over the times here ... 

There is always a sigh of relief on our ground floor access by visitors delivering goods and those white goods to go further up the stair wells  ... how on earth do sky highs negoiate putting children and the elderly in unreachable ease of access  ... it is obscene ...  

... we have no lift or emergency stairs or ladders outside as standard ... a case of pushing mattresses out the window and easing out ... my now old ways of safety in moving and handling and the old ways I got taught so lost in time encapsulated with social isolation of mental health of a dead spouse . I am finally updating skills only just recapping after too long a lost time ... 

My visions of tower blocks were of Southampton for years before moving this way near the capital city and travelling further up ... the many discussions on the challenges of housing. We took a interest in the community on arriving to this current abode. The new builds tours. The estate walkabouts that happened once upon a time. The tenements of slums through the eras ,.. the more regulated in social housing than the private sector ... The university cities of another time bringing in many interesting tales of tenancies ... The halls of daughter's uni chosen were the best she saw. And certainly an improvement in that era to previous times ..

... the informal bed and breakfast to the glamouros hotels and all in between ... the holiday lets ... cottages, caravans and tents ... The challenges of the way our Dad was in our safety, the enclosed malls, cinemas and arenas ... public transport ... the best place to sit in public transport ... the cars that now compact on contact in an accident. The flying dummies images we now see. The seat belts and booster seats changes all in the times in road travel ... 

 It is surprising how a life came to be ... I have the wandering a tad of the patermal line. This trying times in my Autumnal years with being a lot earlier in this section of life ... the decision on letting go more of the baggage of a life journey to rethink a lot ... especially now I am one again ... 

The freedom of movement in so much ... I don't think I can be tied down to a schedule again 

The gaps filling

in updating some of the keep part of life .... the filling up of 2012 into 2013 ... I am now in part back in 2014 amd making sense of the soon to be deaths that came that year ... and the clearance in tandem with another home. 

The visiting Cornwall and clearing in Kent with a tad of Cheshire in the mix,  increasing in the influx of catch up illumination in action of life simples pleasures ... among the stronghold of being kept in the past ...

The break free to capture my own goals simply, robusting without turning back .... The advice of those that did not know the full picture of tangent times... still happening to this day ... 

The many deaths that bring clearance in general of deceased work to tie up, along with two stuffed homes, many garages,  a few sheds ... and a garden thrown in the mix!!!! 

Memories of the 70s

the electricity rationing in my terminology. The en masse problems of the time.  One never forgets especially only this year when a nurse practitioner was huffing about seeking a blood pressure monitor to retest my readings   ... 

And how the rid of the old style blood pressures means how would the surgery cope if there was no electric! Our reliance on sources that are beyond our control ...  we can take it for granted that such things wouldn't happen ... 

.... And in the summer of '76 queuing up to get the water from a stand pipe in the road ... and more recently showing up how secure accessing our patient records are not! 

Hissing, whining and the

required settle to task in small doses ... The not the bigger picture that overwhelms... I was getting in quite a lather ...

...I stopped what was annoying me, had a brew and decided to look in some bits and bobs ... I am still very tired from my week different. I will be kind and take it slow and with ease this weekend 

I hope to start a more structured time next week. This May getting on tune with a section doing some constructive moments to gain experience. The month of June preparing for a time when more will be gone...

And snapping away at memories. All upside down but who cares. The cast list of Panto time. A time today of calming after the panics. The cycle of breaking away from absorption in living with those who are complex. It undoubtedly impeded me. The one thing I am angry with it took me away from life that was mine too 

Transformation in a previous

life of an airing cupboard in a daughter's home.. The boyfriends wish to transform this cupboard for useful storage ... initial thoughts of opening up a room or not .... decision made ... I have had late night messages when they both have difficulty in making up their minds ! 

This home had to be cleared initially of a mummified robin. And lots of pearls, beads, keys, pins, buttons, coins, hair pins, plastic tie remnants, cat toys and the general mishmash scattered throughout of those who live with a mess in general without the hoard ... 

The homes of many who find amazing things down the back of radiators or messages behind wallpaper ... 

The discarded toys left in our once bed and breakfast home ... The antique plates, the gadgets and gizmos from those days in the kitchen and bedrooms ... the sink basins in bedrooms .... the bed and breakfast furniture left .... we continued to do this living on the top floor of a three storey in the season while it funded the regeneration into a family home ... 

There was a row of singly bells in the kitchen too ... I still remember  this ...  and the internal phone system ... from the bedroom to downstairs ...

The first May Bank Holiday

in the reverse of those who are spring cleaning etc  ... one has been resting up working out the logistics of a two month window in the best plan forward ... The furniture decisions in what is going. It is going to be an extremely tough time. 

A little bit of life relief again tonight, in avoiding the pitfalls of the depressive state that makes me on the verge of giving up. The multitude of conflicts that come into play of a home where tradegy resided in the very room I am in. 

The many strands of health, wellbeing, stepping out, preparing, daily tasks, alongside what is intrinsically a multi change all round. 

Mesmerising

time in the echoes. A seductive time in memories of really happy times. A time with friends. A time with the wind whipping in my van when I drove down the roads to visit with them. The times atop cliffs with dogs or people ... 

And sharing these carefree images that survived the tragedy .... We have lost much. We cherish what we now have ... 

Humbling in the Mumbles ...

no I have yet to visit Wales again ... the mumbles of the oratory kind... the quiet in the quell. The beauty beyond the shadows ... 

The extent of adjustment still huge. The cycles slowly breaking down from adjusting back and forth from reality, isolation, buffering, soothing, surrealness... avoidance, getting back in deep, skirting. Masking the pain deep within ... living with the juggles from one quandary into many others ... 

The stillness while life moves beyond  

A time

to heal in all avenues ... and the time to turn a mattress with gentle care ...without doing more mischief to the mischief already taken a toll physically ...  the start of getting to the bones of maintenance that often gets forgotten ... 

the nutty survivor

resisted the urge until Tuesday of the start on the three areas to attempt to clear out before my next anticipation of a departure ... 

I now have the weekend and that to get through .... the wind quite rolling around outside this night ... It is helping a tad this rest. The pain not dissipated yet. 

The will I won't I mode on hold until the decision making too next week. The ruthless that the years are getting less to achieve the long term goals, when the slowness envelopes the proceedings ... 

The nuts of this

world where we don't see ... only a few do ... The time again to kick some butt and get some gumption in actions ... a load of ol' b******, the erasure of a few areas for the next few weeks before I am with others again ... 

A week in homes

...different in counties South Easterly to northerly to South Westerly and back to the North a while.The torrid time in harmony too. Whence one had no knowledge of tomes of times that were to vomit and spew  .... 

The imprint on memories of homes of families now again in circuit ... a trio at Christmas and a duo this week last. Plus churches, crems, halls, pubs, restaurants, cafes, bars, tea rooms, coffee houses, offices, makes a change from those waiting rooms ... that had been too many of ... 

And home visits that did no good ... 

The perpetual Monday into a Friday

the changeover of a month, and a town. 

Though not far in the solutions to capusulate the life after the hoard. All the influences of the first hours here. Those numerous types of programs making a series out of people and their habits .... that I am exposed to in others homes ... 

And today a lot happened in tandem with the fun and times when one catches up with others. I glad I am not exposed to such times constantly.... 

The life around impacting on feelings, dormant in everyday a while ... 

The many customs in costumes, the headgear of men and women .... The plain, the colourful, the adorned. The tattoos, the long, long beards, a living history in geography .... 

The working life versus the travellers with luggage, the business versus the pleasure... commuters packed like sardines, travellers lean for a busy route. 

The speed of travel seemed more like being inside a sieve being shaken, this journey on both tube and train as though a funnel of a wind whip gliding along the tracks of rails ... 

Lent into Easter via

Mothers day and spring in full earnest ... all and about ... in the shops and inbox ...

For the time in tandem and transition, the time to put the mind elsewhere. In the throng, along with normality. The disjointed time invisible, very much evident. 

The throng will be different this week. Again like last week a busy hospital environment at times. The flow in and out. I am getting to know the recesses of this environment that the general pubic do not generally see. The inner workings of all that we can take for granted or moan about. 

The time forth to pit my wits to assist others who are not too happy either. The silent within understanding their woes or pleasings at a vulnerable time. 

And then a busy, busy train journey to Liverpool Lime street. The now more familiar area of where a daughter went to uni in dire circumstances.... 

And the catch up in this area whilst she continues to reside in a uni town ... though only until 2019 when this campus supplementary closes. 

The weird in the

wonder, the deal in travel along the surf of the coasts of this island, sitting on me arse ... and although  my plans for the North have now altered ... I will probably still get to go to one of the destinations I have had a look at for ideas today and more in recent ... 

I am doing the virtual housekeep and chills, which is as good as a rest, elsewhere awhile, shortly. The rest before the maybe induction time of skills dormant ... back in operation? 

Who knows where I'd be this time next year? 

The environmental belies

though oft ignored ... the time of a hubby I am ghostly following in the path parallels ... all the time the appointment is out of the environment... very few bother to see within thy worlds .. 

The silent screaming of many not or never heard ... my own daughter is raising awareness via her twitter feeds ... of which her youth past are following ... and many other ways including a change of direction in her doctorate aims ... 

One very proud parent of how she deals in lifes' stutters ... 

Shaking it up a bit

...and nature is too. The season in blast of bugs that come this way  ... the time in snuggles and remedies to see it through ... 

Only there is  a different diary to work around in this shake up. 

At least the majority of this time in the early countdown the allowance of time in the unplanned. The rest in mode, with a scattering of chores. The home had been tidier of late. Now it's stumbling through the necessary. And a bit of a tidy in rested sessions ... 

At least now more in common with most, than the minority again ... 

Welcome to the

world not ...

... for a little while the spontaneity was lovely with a clearish diary ... this year the forward planning besides kin is filling up ... it will be an interesting time in time boundaries ... and claustrophobia... 

a exercise and dance regime

... in those who live with hoard ... not the clutter so in at the minute  ...

• Negotiate the hurdles in jump and stretch ...of someone else's piles  
• Repeat your self in circles
• Stretch and bend to find things ... or to move items ...
• Remove a stack of newspapers on a piano stool to top up the utilities 
• Jump into a toilet ... avoid splashing! 
• Climb into bed in literal...
• Walk like a crab 
• Shimmy down the makeshift corridor 
• Limbo under the stuff above ... 
• before it worsens ... tango around the room ... 

 And when the hoarder eventually dies ...

• Bend and stretch again this time in remove ... and dust down ...
• Fit the pieces like a jigsaw in a shopping trolley 
• Bend in and out this shopping trolley 
• Walk, pull and carry  a make shift carry bag to Donate ...alternating arms to build strength in idle muscles 
• Walk and pace in many and varied circles 
• Walk back and forth to the bin stores 
• Move the items in boxes and stack ... lift ...and stretch in the correct manner ! 
• Step up and down  a step stool, many times ... to reach the top on the outer skirts of the mass clear for you left to burn or shred ... 

... [way too paperwork not thought of in the blame game ... exacerbating with the paper confetti when life breaks down ..l adding to the post and in person notices ... eventually left to pile up ... one aspect never not thought of by all companies and services  ... who churn it out to those unable to cope].. 

The irony in excervise in my life currently ... and this is just a tad ... using muscles I had totally forgotten about! 

The urge in the ....

.... surge ... 

The start again in finding s way round how I live ... The choice we supposedly make ... The mind over matter .... 

A real transformation in transition. I still find it hard to see clearly in the muddles. The times I see a peek.. The contentment that comes for a while. Then the repeated perpetual stage of the next haul. I am back in the fall of darkness ...

At least a daughter is preparing food for a freezer, that I may go on an adventure in her area thy way in put of time in home sit, now a pet sit. The time out that gives me more incentive each time. 

And again when the kin come here and relieve the space too. Those things of use elsewhere by those with more sentiment... 

Though for a daughter and I our sentiment is not what it was... and in a way that is a blessing. The burden of aspiring to much we do not really need for inner peace. 

The tribes who live from nature are the ones with a truly productive life .... though to most it would now be deemed antiquated ... and urgh to live in a hut made from shite .... 

It seems to be ...

in the silent tell ... I am staying snuggled in, the functions will speak in the blood tests anyways. I feel the need to continue in this ease up. The nature in its way telling ya. We do not always heed. After the erratic time of another in witness, the all important self care and nutrients and environment impacts on our health and well being. 

The persistent stress my body had could not have been good! 

I am taking the hint, all is not well. 

How it was ...

then how it became .... to how it will be now ... 

The compression of life to only the requirements 

The plans in a daughter who will be getting some family heirlooms now. There will be none of that maybe handy to keep, etc etc .... I have learnt to live without what I did have. I am in no hurry now to replace lost, destroyed of missing items, as in the early days of adjustment. I still to require to come cross some necessary documents. I believe that they needed updating. It just helps the process if you have the details. I have updated a vital document seeing that my daughter is travelling now. It helped to get the speed up on the necessary documentation to volunteer. 

The way to go forward for me personally is massively problematic, but fruitful. It was not always in the helpful manner. The learning curve for all the in the ripple effect. The failing on the learnings of the failings. The system put in place in 1948 is as brilliant in areas, that is not so in others. 

The many governmental departments in this tragic time ....A lot could still be done in taking on board the well oiled business structures that are successful elsewhere ...

... the telephone systems. The clerical. The continuity. The follow ups. The agencies involved in complex situations. The customer Services, the right person the first time .... being honest and going to the line manager for advice when unsure of a situation faced, in these safeguarding ways of the world now in vulnerable adults and children. 

The modals of success and blagging business awards, to put that intensity in people we serve as within the staff  who do the serving ... in gaining the prestige of the one minute wonders of waves in improving the management models to attain these many red tape awards that does not always channel down to those most in need !  .... 

Advice from those

not always attune to over clutter clutter stuff ... well most of us know how that goes ??? 

I can't stand moving it from place to place ...

It goes straight into the sopping trolley or bin or recycle and out it goes ... 

When some items move North ... the resulting space will then be free to move about better in this advice ... 

When decisions final on not being too hasty in ruthless for a simpler life made 

The logistics in movement in minimal until it is how it suits ... 

The tasks ...

... slow back into project mojo... The solutions to some dilemmas becoming crystal clear in the fog of confusion. All areas of life tackled ground up in segmented times ....

The time when like moods it's easily done to others when it's hard. The continuing change in the world outside to adapt adeptly... The mistakes, the new systems. The ignorance and the blessings ... 

And now I have a month where I cannot believe how old our daughter will be. Our cousin Karen reminding me by the age when she had one of her four kids to prompt me last year, whilst catching up with some of the family again... 

And off again to pet and home sit and make more plans regarding distribution, before I get in the relevant people ... 

In my own hand

on my device ... immortalised in my archives to remind one can still write. When first given opportunities in attending those scattered meetings across time ...  after the moments lost in the folds of a life out of line.... the putting of pen to paper was odd!

The little tasks taken for granted and as happens, when not used a while, amazing to be reacquainted... 

And how we were taught to do capital letters ... an art in itself .... forming those first letters ... 

All things in

the following weeks intercepted with those breaks ... of which the journeys are all in order ... that is life outside the home sorted. It is still difficult to do. The need to go beyond the door is very important. It is much easier to have everything come to me ... especially with the world of online orders in all aspects of functions.

The more than all those ideals in keeping on top of your home amd life .... I get highly amused by all those who clip their ideas in the media on planning and actually bring in all the more unnecessary items in attaining the earning a living in sponsors and adverts. 

I have still to find a way in the overwhelming life outside in the world, where social media means lots more of ... like me and share ... 

It is up to everyone whether they want to see ... what is for one, is not for another ... 

The silliest

time ever ... if it was not so tragic ...

I have had the array of emotions that is only noticed by those closest to the situation... though  today was a diversion and delve into an historical film. This happens a lot to take the mind away while I win the many battles in dispersing OCD traits of another. 

I am seeing the benefits slow in mess. A sit amongst the flutter of papers accumulated too from the wrong side of the unhinged finances and bombardment to oust a man out of life ...home and health forgotten ... 

The shock reverberated when it led to a death ... 

One agency learnt from the mistakes 

And one did not ... both big organisations 

cos it still happens with me ... I still get unhinged every so often much still needs not to be forgotten when in 2014 I had no continued care ... I suffered in 2016 ... I am not yet out of the woods ... 

Rustling in the night

not ....the glimpse of life peeking from the recess of time. Another night in wanders. And wonders. The ignoring to to function in the now. I have a lot happening. I require a schedule. I am going in the flow. One can not beat against the recovery in this process. 

Tomorrow

or later today sees three boxes dispersed. I am in decisive mode. Whilst my sister has her operation on her hand, I will be getting one step nearer the door. 

There is a lot to finish from another move about of disperse. I am also in the plan of four out of the five rooms in tandem. The ready for an appointment for someone to rake a collection of things. 

The kiddy will be coming in this year to help a bit more too. In the meanwhile the paperwork, health and aspirations alongside good smart layered clothes will be needed in an environment I am bracing myself forthwith. All this in tandem and trying to segmatise and not get too overwhelmed ... 

Three counties

and more. The many different homes, restaurants, pubs and winter walks, around or by various water landscapes, witnessing life in nature and architecture. I can not really say much about the different homes visited this time for it will be upsetting for some. The way my daughter does not bat an eyelid at how her car seat and car in general gets, ferrying around her clients. 

One proud Mummy in how she handles her life on. The determination set within of obtaining her PhD after this unexpected gap time on a death last Easter. And the way we were forgotten in that time. The bitterness does not descend, the inner workings of loved ones helping us to keep that at bay. 

And the fact my hubby would not want it either .. today the words not expressing the wonder in this time when we battled and juggled so much ... 

We have an array of stunning people about us, and we are blessed with much in the little left, that the tatters did bring, we but moving on with the love in kind from those that stoppped in their life a while to assist ... 

Whence it came

hence the gain. I will obviously never view life quite like it again. The positive use out of it will be forthcoming. A lotta lotta slog to wince through first. I only hope the experiences gained will stand in good stead for the research into life beyond here to there to over there ? 

Xtra special

never not nor the norm. The essential ingredient missing. I see all points of the cracks that we fall through in a life. It is much advantageous now ... The uncoordinated sign off of care. The not listen or taken seriously 

Cluttered homes, towns ...

.. and transport ... the swathes of new builds. The cars and people humming about. This exceptional volume due to post festive moment exacerbating the situation ...

The same with the health and social care on black alert in hospital movement and patient flow, where my sister works today. It was a busy festive time tail off on which she was never off the worry, that it was heading for this ... and all the responsibilities her vocation entails ... 

We had to advise her to clock off now ... she did turn her work mobile off once she was settled... and in hand with those within the team ... 

I am and have been in this position of seeing both sides of this dilemma ... where people will die from lack of due attention in overstuffed work and care places tooo 

Year

on in to another task set in place among the dilemmas and difficulties. The change in churn up of those churlish times to us. The difference in banter in time spent with family. The mixture of growls and chuckles. And a beaut time in many experiences of a year into year. The knowledge of some self esteem... a lovely gift to have again ...