A new time

in a stay away. Another place chalked up in another area for the first time. This a county whence I stayed at Winchester uni halls ... the future halls amazingly brilliant for halls in a Cheshire uni, one of the better modern halls ... 

Besides the fact where a lot of the family still reside and my ancestry steeped richly here.  

Another home with a recently newly fitted kitchen. The American style fridge freezer with a wine cellar... And everything built in ... a separate utility room like many homes in the family where the noise of the washing elsewhere ... 

The normality in many homes visited of much again. The environment of apace and space to live unemcumbered giving inspiration what can be again for me too... 

A break away

seeing life beyond walls ... 

Amd within many other walls. The view through a lens or not. The Walks take longer while I soak it all up. The shopping too. The looks of quizzical while I do the opposite to the majority. The bemusement of a family. 

The tinge of the bittersweet in this freedom of lone time. I am away with much. And I am finally getting to love it a tad ... 

Discussing

options ...

The life in a expanding town. 

These shops more enticing and not so deep in artificial lighting. 

Natural light not the norm in buildings built without thought ... 

This time of year without much thought at times beyond families and close circles in time of glut all at once. 

The clutter formed of Christmas excess not just on the hip line 

Time in others

... lives ... 

the last few weeks in an array of others dilemmas. And much more in experience of life ...It has left a lasting time ingrained in glittering fascination at the colour vivid in panto live on stage, the costumes stunning in part. The Christmas market I experienced. The colour spectacle glittering in sparkles. 

The impact of accumulation and disrepair in the private sector of rental.The combined effect of taking advantage over duty of care for money. 

Then those who founded a not for profit to give life experiences to all sectors of those who are living with disability in ability. The notice of key skills rusty. The best in give. The way forward in time next year. The await of due process in ideas started. 

This time with others giving more insight into how I might live without what was accumulated in life here. The offer of a style of accommodation I might just do. 

The next stage of decisions after the next few weeks with other various members of my family life ... some again not seen through only seeing four walls and a ceiling not that many seasons back ... 

Like a Easter egg littered across time

in all pockets in in boxes of family ... my many personalities and pseudonyms ... I may be confused, I may make typos and not string a sentence together ... a sister notices as with the asbestos this week last ... I will not surrender easily ...

A scattering of much in fails in learns ...

November much

in distress in stress and memories raw combined in the usual of the network of coping mechanisms in the array of archives, footage and communications when minded  ... the anticipation of seeing our daughter's new home, her driving skills and so much more ...

The wider circle in friends I am making in a new area too. The visit to to an area known. And the contacts for a life there too ... 

All aboard the decision in change and a diversion here in avenues different too ...? 

Passage in

pains psychological... seen through images in my own photo line ... the vision through grief and sorrow .... the change in devices and tech even in that time The evolving enhancement in photos simplified... 

I am hoping by the end of the week to start using the last camera hubby gave me ... it is the faffing about while buried and swamped in too much ... The ease for a walk out to the graveside without a care and use a camera for a change again ...

... The Dust Mask ...

the disposable gloves which I prefer, you can handle things better! The gear up in homes like this. Today is an almighty challenge to do some things difficult to do, let alone write about. 

I know it will feel easier to get it out the way, for the benefits of the feelings ... I had already started, when a fingernail splintered on me. One has to keep them short to use gloves ... 

No fancy nails while doing these tasks! It is not for those who can fuss ... 

By the time

in open of the general day start, the wander out to get my utilities topped up. I will have cleared up from the day before in clutter utterly history by then, and have a day of form filling again.  I have not bothered with the hassle of getting these utilities back on quarterly bills ..

Everything else can be taken care of .... even food and meals can come to the door .... when one has been in a condemned world ... one needed to spread the wings before they are clipped with age and that godforsaken time on relying on others again ... I have had a fair share of being on all sides of the coin. The pragmatic way some deal in their life lots ... of those before us in age and ills ... 

This gets me out on too, in  a timely manner, along with the essentials tops up too like milk .... The home delivery can only be periodically. Like life in generally, a lot of it does not give cheaper leaner options to singles ... 

And life is cheaper in the shop around. When one is on a lean mean time. Although some wonder how I do things. You adapt in finds. You enjoy the freedom of constraints. 

It is like a family my late Aunt (who never married) went on those regular exotic travels in many, and exotic as in Sardinia. The experiences in other places. The enabling in this despite really good careers in cutting back on other things in life, down to the food budget on the holiday. 

And a young mans dream of a car, was more than achieved on cutting back on much, to get it and enjoy it ... 

I do not necessary aspire to things, the travels is another matter. The build up back in life, when one built it once. That is not worth ... Travels could offer a new enlightenment... 

The rethink again this week on the burden it places on my leaving this earth earlier; is not worth the hassle ... 

Again a good time to reflect in time recharging the batteries very shortly again, and coming back again anew with a way round the dilemmas ... 

The new routines in find with making the ways back into a tattered, splattered life ... 

Many of us having the kids all grown up, the time now for some time different with the various trials faced at this time....  A serious op just recently been undertaken in one family. An accident in another a while ago. And a heart attack within a family older than me in working and extensive house alterations at the same time doing too much, now slowed him down .. 

And someone recently diagnosed with type two diabetes ... A close up of just what life is beyond my chilling dilemmas different ... 

Remarkable Recoveries

in a simple find ... the reuniting with images taken on all manner of devices. The small remnants all is not lost. The reminder of the more fun moments again

Taken at the 02 Arena in London when daughter participated in a cast of 500 to celebrate 25 years of Les Mis The celebrities taking time with the huge ensemble to have these moments captured backstage ! 

Territory unknown

in taking the plunge ... on the feelings ... indeed the unexpected happened on dealing in part of what I do not utter about ... 

Back to a little light relief ... And thoughts on achieving more than I supposed to today, yesterday... today instead ... 

Aspects in much

just me myself and this 'ere

the din only seems to yell to me. The misinterpretation to others. It is rare to have any moment understood. The onward journey to divert from this eventuality, and wherever the end that seems far yet comes one day in droves of difference again 

The monatomic surreal 

It takes ages

to enjoy even these items I still have. Unfortunately I lost a lot of dining items in a robbery too (They were scattered and smashed in the process of getting to something else)  .... I do not talk about the robberies or burglaries or car incidents we had. They all happened in another time when the life of someone was far more important 

A sister seeing

via the pictorial communication. A daughter from the photos I might just care to send of a home back in layers lessened ... but messier awhile in this transition mode ... 

A time in veil.

The clothes in season change. The away clothes sitting snug in a suitcase to the declutter mode in clothes too. The layers on me besides in the rhetorical sense of the home. I believe that is not the word I am thinking of. This a flurry of mind active in shifting the sands of time in dust. The muddle in much, including the workings of thyself. 

The ruthless in sentiments. A necklace of a Cornish piskie given by hubby going to a delighted daughter. She has earrings in beauty given me over those years and bits and bobs along this journey already. The time I wore a bit of jewellery. 

I found this ungiven gift meant in gift. Another P.S. I love you moment. 

I have the last piece of jewellery given in real time. That will continue a life journey with me. 

Reverse Psychology

in achievement; only not conducive this time of day. I did a little of the general tidy up. The mess created from decluttering takes a huge dent of daily time. And then their is the daily perpetuals 

I am going with the flow. I require some errands to keep on top of things too. It is these times when you wonder when the last of it is? 

I have a good clear out. I create a mess.. I tidy. Then it starts again. Then time out to eat and all those other functions. 

The seasonal and celebrations. I had hoped to attend the 130 years Sally Army celebration function these evening. I am in the zone of me, myself and I. The next goal of mingling will be in the season of goodwill. I am in the zone of adjustment in quiet. 

This is a ginormous task of dates in reminding. The death. The dying. The sickening. The joyous. The twilight zone of past into present. And my humongous challenge of also clearing my realigning from a clamber in crab movements to using the space to live. 

My daughter noticed I was creating a chamber to keep hold of that time it was ripped apart. Only this year I started the diverse range of light from dark in space in a more fully wrenching it out my life once and for all 

The break of the cycle that became. And to get to achieve to live in the now.    

The layers in seasons

in the remove and I am not talking about the attire we wear. The time stripped back since my much required busman break to kick start the ideas in the en masse in where on earth do I start !!!

Much has been discussed in what I now getting to finally attempt to do 

Yet another phase

of where did I put that ...! 

Will be forthcoming ... a mass movement in a tornado of inner internal inside frustrations today again 

A topple of items revealed ...

... yet more autographs to decipher of another's interests ... 

An avid autographer collecter of times spent with a Dad at PR functions 

Shadows of dim

in the outer rim of tragedy ... the look ahead ... still twisted in images of rot that time begot ... the poetic rhythms buried and ready to be unleashed but laden with burdens and layers of muddles in mess 

Dalliance ...frenzy ...

Obnoxious.... Ignorance 

not even the beginning of words to describe the reactions pre ... during ... after ... and long after the crisis to befall within these four walls and a ceiling ... 

Why ... ? what ? are not the words of the family reeking in the aftermath ... 

They experienced much too .... ? It was classic widespread stunned speechlessness and looks while standing in the death scene of a person who stood there and ...... did nothing .... 

This continues throughout those very early crucial days for a recovery that was hindered and to this day one beginning of a September in 2016 ... 

.... The reverberations are sorely felt beyond comprehension when a brown envelope arrived through the letterbox ... 

The oddest thing

in all this ... is having all the contents in waiting of a family I came to know ... The wade through of things others did while my deceased Dad was terminally ill. And that, that is waiting to go. Both my daughter and I in change since that time too. 

And in time, at a time I had no need for it. And still do not. The burden to go. There is enough to be getting on with, while I await the journey for its new destination North. . 

The discussions in place, when the current works on a home finished. The organisation of a room back. A kitchen and some more local driving experience. 

Then another phase will be in fruition just like the summer when things slotted into place with a new home, a driving test past and more ... 

The next test to happen in the Autumn late ... the driving to be shared in time to here ... 

Echoing echoes

in a void of time in still. The intermix of time moved on. The change in a home since. The rags in wear to a sporty flavour coming in to play. The talk to self in these achievements. This knowledge not known in a life beyond to those that have gone by and since disappeared back into the wilderness. 

The midst of life happen not of my doing. The misunderstanding. The misdiagnosis. The miss much . 

the clearing back

... to time stood still over the seasons 

the one day not seeing the scars ...

The time imprinted on much in the foundations of a once busy vibrant place, the walls, doors, floors, the white goods still standing, the fridge freezer was removed. The time and rot stood still in that ... 

The layers on layers of dust. The photographs missing, The much not comprehended. The things not used in time. The often stated time stood still, afloat while the people goaded.

Cluttered mess

to a summer in difference of an area in new 

The facades of many buildings modern and historical 

Nantwich in the summer of 2016 

The floating through air

the seemingly end in knots ... The glimpse of a life through the blue ... The strange in the familiar ... The sights and sounds remains the reminiscing of yesteryear in the what to come ... 

Many more doors open

up so wide ... the more achievements made ... the ripples of benefits ... improve on prove to the doubters ... the lone travel refreshing in movement and experience ... one can flirt with life ... all over again 

The door swings shut

a good bye in the park 

On those who go 

A turn round; as another walks in the opposite 

Those early days of stupidity in widow hood 

Now, I can fly and roam free 

Only the mind hinders me 

The look 

The snarl 

The bitter hatred 

One sees what one wants 

A film with all these emotions and more 

really impacted; on me this week 

There is the eternal in that who truly walks beside me no matter what 

I am thankful for that ... 

A daughters encouragement

To do what I used to do long before ... the time each step of the clearance to put in the place in promptness ... This I have done or not ... Since I been back from a busmans break I have unpacked and put ready the next stage of flying off ... 

I have spent time of restless today in typing and tidying and cooking from scratch ... first watching something on Tv to get my mind settled. The mode in the clearance in tandem with form functions... The attempt to get my head around those things we take for granted when we are good ... 

Thoughts never far

in time elsewhere ... the structures so lost to many ... the fact in an airy environment I am doing well ... and looking well in my silent horror that is invisible to those that scowl and howl in everyday life around ... Who am I to say enjoy what you have ...not what you have not ...  those who waste life is a problem not mine ... the silent siucide that goes amiss ... the silent ills that have knocked some time off a life ... 

The simple pleasure of a walk in the summer drizzle ... the drip drop drops of rain slashing through the green of green tree canopies .... the babbling brooks ... The wind whistling in my video clips of a time in summer 

... All lost now to a husband in dilemma now not here to enjoy his daughter flown into a world beyond herself now, meet her boyfriend new circle of friends and colleagues, see her home, life, work and driving ... And maybe some foster children in the future ... 

The Busmans Break

working through Dads bits and bobs; interspersed with a lot of walking ... 

In Dads belongings were many interesting items recalling times of playing working and studying along with those life in life documents personal to each and most of us who have a home ... 

A little less of me again

in a good way is noticed  ... The fact my Mum still notices my hait is a lot darker than it used to be. I have not coloured my hair recently ... I am letting nature take its course to see how the sparkles of grey sits with me with from the new hair style in Spring this year ... 

The irony being among the young it is fashionable to colour the hair grey ... 

And being in an environment better; I have had time to pamper the daily rituals second nature to most. I used a hot brushed styler my sister found too large for her short hair, to experiment my new versatile hair do that suits being left in a choppy look if not have the time to style. It can be flicked back. Smoothed into a bob or styled into loose curls ... 

I can put it up in a demi chignon or my many precious hair slides, The layered look was also initially styled to go up in a pony tail. OrI have been wearing my various unusual Alice bands of pearls or other sparkles. I have even worn those two in one flower sprays that can sit in your hair or pinned on your clothes 

The usual with the unique way I used to wear my hair 

This is time out of the environment in simple much better daily functions 

In a more usual environment

for a while ... with the air feeling fresher both inside and out ... the benefits of being away with my family for a tad ... and that they live on the estuary ... 

This air will be much appreciated  on my lungs ... It gives them breathing space too ...

The important papers

in life collating back ...plus more ... Very revealing life styles of others 

The driving licences, the multiples in birth certificates for three generations of the parternal line of only children, All only sons. The passport styles. The names and maiden names familiar and not so familiar revealing the secrets of the unsaid past too. 

The letters written. It was a very well known fact of my father in laws many affairs. This part of life shedding a different light on my daughter who has been tickled by various raunchy love letters found in his belongings when sifting through my late mum in laws hone ...

The secrets that reveal themselves long after ... 

Recipes are lovely

to see ... 

I have been using some favourites on my devices these days ... It is only just in this year I have actually managed to appreciate and actually handle the sorting in these paper bits which is very conflicting in my needs now ...

All the work this year in collating all items into their areas, into the rooms that are in function for .... this is an area more interesting for one of my old pastimes since I was a very young girl cooking in my parents kitchen ... 

only just, am I now filing these bits of paper given by my mum and a cousin ...  

Settled into ruminating about ... Recipes ...

... new ones at that

Decadent cake recipes, tray bakes and the sound of the unusual from the world of finds in the mess ... Recipes my family passed on to help me back on my way ... the nutritional to the decadent

One of those future tasks whenever I get around to it, of putting the pieces together of my recipes from a little girl in the gap of time .? all together ... 

There were so many favourite and family recipes .... The in laws ... My Mums, My Dads, an Auntie, and no one could eluminate my paternal grannies recipes ... Wow .... 

These 'ere ducks

in this familiar river float 

taken by the old cattle bridge

popular for a paddle 

in times long past now

used to visit us for chow

Dribs and Drabs ...

still a passing through ...

to the thrift store ...

I used to hate not sending out things together ... It is a case of doing so. If you go to the really large charity store ... It is chucked about anyway. 

I do as I go, in this 'ere muddle ... 

I have an odd item bag to put things until I finally stop ferreting around .. I get fed up of moving things about. Logic tells me different as I do it. It is different to all the advice ... 

I'll just start again ...or not bother ... 

It will be a case of getting the process ready for collection, and swifter removal if progress is slow on return. I am deciding already on a few items that did not get into the proper destination. And I am seriously thinking of several other items ... 

I can imagine my next home ... and then the next ... if I am still able bodied ... 

The P*** off and the Pleasing

the swing and swung between these pleasures ...

Lashings of rain

out and a confetti of paper in

Conversations about shopping. Photos getting a peak. A lot of laughing. A little less tears. A lot of grumbling to myself. A mega tidy. A lot of preparation for times to come. A focus on the forthcoming immediate time. A few twists and turns in diversions of what the home is revealing. A little side tracked to task. The realisation to spend some valuable time outside, to get the requisite fresh air. 

And a little time out doing the things I love ... 

Cultural and our own in mind ...

living styles 

Flood proof ... tornado proof 

...for me clutter proof 

And the less is more ... 

My daughter on trying to open the lounge window through the layers of net earlier this month 

This room where it happened; the temperature never rises 

And suddenly all those suppressed moments of decorating coming out in a muddle 

I am now undoing my own very bizarre adjustments 

Start Somewhere

a better sleep pattern into a laze of a Sunday morning in my climate ... no one to bother hurt or annoy me ... 

... until I go out today ....

Or social interaction of flirting ... The older married men in front of the missus is amusing ... And in Cornwall ... My goodness you need ears of steel to cope with those ... the joys without amusement in this time ... after not seeing wandering hands ... eyes and worse the foul disdain for women at times 

Yes ... I am back 

The intimacy or secrecy

the partner of me daughter was thrown end in the deep end of life 'ere ... the year my deceased Dad was having treatments that left him in not being himself 

In steps ... this lovely young chap at times on his own ... to assist one long summer season 

From that time he put to one side a brand new watch of my late hubbys and a few seasons later was able to put his hands on it 

This is the life in a home secretive with my husband 

Full blown open with me 

Strangers and friends alike in this tomb of time knowing where things were put 

I am gradually reclaiming it back 

Illuminating the dark

ceasing the moments in the many of the few ... Sitting in the perpetual pile of time ... Standing at the edge of a precipice vacant in space ... Vertical in grasping and hurling past times ... Horizontal in warmth of peace or boggled with concepts in middles of muddles in middles ... 

the mind at work ... Clearing in light to why we burden ourselves so much in this life ... 

How habits are hardest in hinder from harvesting heaps of horrific heels of hounding a house ... a home once homely and inviting ...  to abysmal artefacts of archaic aromas and insensitivity in why it would be happening .... Adding further misery muddles and clutter to a already intolerable time ticking into a waste of energy and a life 

of which I am still seeing ... reeling and reliving in a perpetuality which is as cruel ... as it is barbaric and merciless 

The stare in the night

from in the shadows

the anger in there 

the shimmery images on the walls 

the eerie storm from before

the scary story in mighty forth

the echoes of times in rustles 

in under the eaves of darkness a sneeze

in time incredible to believe 

Silly me, I forgot see,

a cupboard in use,
not been in since,
I did some more of the wince,
operating the mind back in
that things in, not out
a time since hence
still not accustomed thence.
Wow! Thee can now do in glee ...

Finishing half way

leaves one restless in the subconscious ... I hope this gets easier ...  this is the legacy of a brutal time of non compliance and understanding until a death occurred ... For me ... That legacy of nervy nerves is a permanent scar on this mind ... 

A trail of devastation

Surrounds me tonight

I only hope for a continuance without interruptions on first working day of week

Then the path will be cleared again ... ready for some serious celebrating on achievements

The start of people thinking they are in the wrong home ... this time around for the good again

Plans afoot ...

in this rest time ... My mind still working away to get through this swiftly ... the muddle in mind is not conducive ... 

The slow tidy up to wind down for what mood takes me this week. The preparation for the plans to come and live at the sane time in the now. This makes me laugh from all the Mind activities and Recovery Star and goodness knows what ... I am surrounded by the past .

How is one to live the now ...

Tinkering in the night

revealed a treasure trove of goodies 

The ponder now which direction will they go 

Me mine or them 

The words belies the mind ..

.... the fact I remember how long I have logged on this platform is easy ... It was in the wedding anniversary month ... 

And a May with a difference, one taster day of job types led to many,  many avenues of a programme of training days, for voluntary work, computer one day courses condensed in mind boggling time and a few exams passed in condensed fast track time .... 

And the opportunities still bursting forth; I have yet to decide on for the end of this month ... 

The new opportunities in Kernow I already have my eye on ... But first ... The unimaginable 

... VHS or Beta ...

... The early greedy days of more modern consumerism... 

... The wires that have increased with all the gadgets 

... my ways were lost in all that eventually surrounded both in and out the home ...

... I am fanatical with wires being minimal at the best of times ... 

... the same goes for alternating these clumsy tapes seasonally that took up up space in many a room ...

... certain companies releasing  limited time videos ... then racking more money in with the advent of the next waves of technology to come ....

... They do not want the minimal amount for a lot in one case, they love adding to the clutter for monetary gain .... 

... but ... I do like the movies ...as with literature ... music and more ... 

... thank goodness for those irritating repeats on the TV and now too the overwhelming choice of TV channels 

... I do not record or hoard programmes to catch up later ...

... again thank you for +1...

... Minimal tech for maximum effect ... for one from a life in realms ...

... photos of the crazy one ...

The better side of discovery in clearing down extremes

... the out of date styles ... those poses that never date ...

the amusement of going through those documents and photos together recently on another death and some more much since ...

those photos of a young mum and dad, just as they themselves are ... in another generation ...

the photos on the carnival floats ... a fairy, pixie, a geisha, St Trinians and one of the children in There was an old women and an Indian ... the word for what we were would now be offensive  .... to name some ... the plays put on for the ******** ... another now offensive word .... How times how moved along from that archaic time  ...

me popping up with those hats too, now come around in fashion from time and again  .. 

At least the memories stirred in them were of the fun we always have 

The vitality in life captured 

... Patronising to say the least ...

Disembodied and disembowelled at worst 

Writers' Block ...

... I have plenty of prompts from past to now ... In clearing through a home of extremes ... 

This last week I have been reading my late husbands letters ..  I came across in his belongings ... He had pen friends too ... 

A fascinating piece of history in the life of a young male in the 1980s ... 

This is the more positive side, not only of hoarding. The grieving period in going through the departeds ... bits and bobs we are left with ... 

It seems an age ...

in this years May start. A long haul. Time in past zones. Tucked away from the world in tasks. The disenchantment. the bitter, the realisation, smiles. The what on earth. Where did that go.? What.? How ridiculous... How did I survive? 

Within two weeks

of another funeral 

I have with more gusto than I have had since the day hubby died ... I have pushed and pulled and shoved a lot more out of my life ... 

There is not full understanding.  I was pretty much left stranded in the crucial moments of our lives. The ambulance did not come out ... the crisis team did not come out when I telephoned ... no one came that knew the situation nor the following day when the ambulance responded this time round ... Even they said  it should have come out ... 

 ... Aside from the fact of before all that timeline and a multi agency meeting in the Autumn ... No one cared enough to do anything positive ... 

... This Photo belies the chaos ...

... currently in this particular place ...

A cupboard not seen the light of day in a good while  ... It is in good condition, for what was in front of it for a while ...  It has been accessible since the post crisis mass clear ... I knew behind the door time had stood still to the last time it was used ... I could not bear to see it ... This photo was taken towards the end ... at this stage I am not not so interested in the before ... I want the now ... I am ready to start destroying the past ... I do not wish to live there now ... 

Today I finally pulled it all out 

I will be getting to finally put back in use ... again ... 

... I Started ... So ... I Finish ...

... While I am awaiting a dip in the bath ... 

to ease the achy muscles ... I peaked in a corner cupboard in the kitchen ... These are those awkward cupboards that well planned kitchen designs or my late Dad did well with 

I; when I am not living in a place to renovate adjust, my needs accordingly...

... this moment was seeing unfinished plans ... 

I had stored our to do jobs projects in the kitchen in this particularly cupboard here ... before tattered times fell upon this abode 

Or the hardly used or seasonal 

I have decided I am not keeping tools to drill etc I will hire in equipment 

 or get someone in to do it ... or have freestanding ...  life style in Kernow is different ... 

A handyman who now gets the odd jobs done  for mum since dad passed. We were in the same form at school ... 

This will be as life entails now 

More items from things planned  not to materialise in our life to go 

A sad moment for those plans that usually to be ... were not ... 

Transformation in Time

A Tiresome Tomb 

It is often forgotten a tragedy happened this way 

The linger in air 

I have reversed everything since I was widowed 

I knew it would and will take time 

There comes a point 

When that's it

No one knows how I am 

Life needs to be simpler 

We are being slowly absorbed into to much quantity and losing the quality of life 

... All things spliced ...

..  spiced up this day ... with a bit of what I love ... to bring me back ... I was so contented away from life ... 

... this is only understood a tad by fellow widows ... 

.. put every life stresses plus the more unusual ones all together and it is a recipe for disaster ... 

.. clutter phobias and my new phobias and irritants ... 

• Newspapers 
• over advertising in ya face especially some charities 
• Product labels 
• Sirens 
• pieces of paper 
• Post 
• Everyday life 
• The unnecessary 
• Clink of glasses 
• Wine glasses
• Alcohol ... Lethal ... 
• Over Sugared drinks ... Lethal ... 

... This is only a very tiny amount ... 

Countdown ...

... to the next trip out of county ...

This the spur ... to enable the permanent out and back ... things dependant on the way life turns out ... 

All these avenues currently opening up that envitably happen when least expected ... 

I hope to watch a film tonight ... the fact I am in more of a store cupboard is evident ... the latest operative to do the Gas Safeth Check would have witnessed with the bags piled up ... 

And how did that make you feel.?

... none of those silly questions today ... 

Time spent with a fast and swift disposal of habitual behaviour post traumatic crisis after tragic consequences of another's hoarding ... 

Toss and toss ... Some more tossing ... Some cursing ... Some tears ... 

Some smiles and a cackle or few ... The same wicked laugh turning heads in amusement up North with my inappropriate behaviour when out in a restaurant ... My sister laughing with me ... 

The swirl of dust and invisible silent life going along with it ...

The Churn and Yearn ...

... Within the bowels of a home that has seen tragedy ... My steadfastness in staying here to see through the rupture of life in my way ... 

The fascinating journey how the outside looks in ... And walks through the echoes of chambers what happened in this very room just over from where I am sitting ... 

The furniture hiding the floor rots ... From times marked from troubles until ripped up by the void process in social housing ... or the next tenants ... I will not waste my precious time or money on that type of decor no more ... 

Decisive in clear ...

to tidy the home back in place for a weekend to contemplate the next stage ..

More than enough memories to blow the mind away ... . yet again today ...

More than my hour a day ....

In removing the unnecessary to necessary .... 

I have been out of the comfort Zone this afternoon in clearing a room. The focus to not to be so distracted ... the part of me to spring clean when you need to remove items to do so .. the part of me to walk away ... 

I have been jolted back to 200? ... A bag retrieved with a variety of life at that time... A mixture of the life and times of our moments then ... Board Member ... Youth council ... Community help ... Rehearsal Schedules ... Agendas and paraphernalia long overdue for safe disposal ... 

To not replace ...

In my strategy to live life as life. In not getting caught up with what us Mrs Robinsons' were caught up in again ...

I will not be replacing what becomes old, unless it is of use to the workings of he home and again depends on the life style I seek ... 

All that patronising on hearing my trips to the charity ... Do I pick up as much ... as I drop off ?

I am me ... not hubby ... 

A Lasting Impression...

within the context of a home ...

You will never see it in the same light ....I have been in homes since ... 

It is the same ... Where ever I lay my head ... 

In the stillness ...

... of time ...

Under the layers ... 

Beneath the dust ... 

More evidence of the timeline of events emerged triggering painful memories ... 

Thankfully the understanding of two of those nearest to me with the the quietness of times from their experiences ... Understanding the permutations of these moments ... 

The elation of my life emerging out the darkness in all aspects ..

The sadness of a life destroyed and gone with this time ... 

environment

The invisible barriers to live and die and all in peace 

Still lingering long after everyone disappears and too many different personalities in this not used to my ways 

Time For Inspiration ...

A Kernow time ...

... how I am used to a home that disappeared under the clutter ... and the way it runs for me and being in the childhood home reminds how it can be again ... 

Like before in this recovery spectrum ... the ideas around me in all I am getting the chance to do ... again taken for granted until it is lost ... given me the gumption to live on ...

Still Blooming Good ...

From Mothering Sunday ... last weekend

Sunday 13, 2016

And the more spacy feel in the home ... just be good if I felt less spacy in the mind ...  it is good to reverse the impact of all that others do not often get .... this is what happens ... I should be well and truly further along than currently ...

I had a hearty lunch to substation the energy levels to get on with the needs of this home I require from it  ...

I have stopped for a much needed cuppa ...

A Spark Of Ideas ...

That happens in the flow of life. It will be enyoable to do that more often in the physical sense just like I have been doing virtually ...  Then the conflicts from experiencing too much in the home ... puts a damper on it all ... 

Where to next ? Do I bother ? Can I be bothered ? 

The Tears Flowed At the right time

today ...  The trouble with my perceived persona ... I was the carer and the buoyant one for so long ... Letting go of that I do not talk about time ... Is going to open up the most horrendous wounds ... 

If I had a physical scar like my C-Section; I would have been given due care and healing ...  

Case in point ...

A Twinkly Tuesday ...

In the tipsy turbulent world it is and disappearing too slowly. I don't it want it to be any more time than is necessary now ... but not too rushed either 

Getting the balance right .. is key ...

Noon ... One Monday in March 2016 ...

I am about to have brunch ... Not eaten yet ... Even though I am having another extroidenary day thanks to a life making the more of now ... My own little niche of recovery ... My own portrayal of life still taboo to talk about ... At times ... 

I am quite frank in Sally's way ... 

It maybe lost among the trillion words plus ... It is not lost on those who like me happen on things as we browse, surf, speed, canter, stroll through the world beyond our bubble in life in our place of space 

My task is to further tidy the now, yesterday, last week and time long gone into a more manageable space in this place on countdown to winding down not only the home but the windows and signing out of the many things I do online to secure the security while out and about ... Reviewing all that I do the data it eats away ... Until I get to a more doable life that fits and suits me ... 

Yet Another Special Time ...

In this home each time now though something finally different in my surroundings ... albeit to yet all come together. And I an finally working through more of the recipes 

• Melting Moments 
• Easter Cookies 
• Family recipes from the in laws line too
• I have yet to re-visit the teenage and childhood recipes from Jinty etc. in my collection, I spy in the kitchen cupboard, I still not pulled out yet ... 
• Brownies
• Teacake 
• Soda Bread 
• Bread Plait
• Cottage Loaf
• Rolls
• Yeast buns
• Black Forest recipes
• Cookies
• Eclairs 

And I have just had a delicious Mothers Day meal I made for myself. A savoury cobbler followed by my favourite 'Harvester' Pud they used to do ... which I made a version of myself tonight. 

A kitchen window that seen so much grief ...

Restored with love and care 

And back filled with a happy and loving thoughtful life of yet another new season arriving ...

And my husband would be pleased to see a loving gift from two very special people and although the missed moments of meeting a lovely young man ... I have ... and safe in the knowledge they both have met in how destiny but does have such a hand for two people to come together with such love and bring such happiness back in our world ... 

Ready for Re generation

in my own space bubble ... Up with the shift workers or those who have to travel a bit to work ... How disjointed is life in this country ...  More time with colleagues than any one else at times ... all in a journey bubble ... To get to spend more time with those we do not choose ... to those that we do ... Little wonder we did not get the support ...  

I am having plenty of time with and in removing the past .... to think long and hard to what and where to spend my precious time on now ... When this part is finally concluded ... 

Much has been said post death ...

About this abode ... Especially as it went to furniture land ... The ideas I first had and then yet more demands on my time with clearing another home which was known ... but not thought about ... It all went by the way ...

I will probably not get the items out in the relevant rooms now? 

It is never not understood ... I have had so much said ... The home did not reflect my personality ... Post hoarding and life continued  ... And it made me look like the hoarder ... Not the kin of an hoarder ... And the lack of care and attention was too late and never continued with the remnants that did not die with my husband ... It has continued to this day and as time moves on so do the people .. The memories along with it 

Daughter finds that and much more frustrating too ... It hurts her to think so much is being said about her Mum ... It did bother her ... The family have supported her in this especially our cousin when my immediate family were with Dad for his intensive treatment at the time of the news and reverberations of the death of their son in law ...  that added more stress to my late Dad who was frustrated to be so unwell at the time himself ... 

The Empty Slots on the shelves ... The Wrong Cases ...

Our music collection restoring the home with the melodies and ambiance that daughter remembers so much of ... 

beyond the norm of a messy home that can be in the diverse way we each live. For me seeing some semblance of order restored in just this shared love of life with my selected partner that was in our music, is soothing ... The muddled music and still aspects missing. There are some now back in those allotted spaces on the CD shelves ... to ease of selecting what the mood takes us as was once in this home. Yet more CDs are now imported into the modern way of collecting ... too ...

The decisions yet more to come ... which to go  ... which to stay ... all have a story behind each piece, whether given as a gift ... purchased anyway, or at the venues visited, won or given ... as with life ...  a story personal to us ... 

A time stood still for no more were purchased during the time it went silent here. 

One of the first things from my sister on restoring this silence; was to import a chosen selection of music personal to me and transferred it all ready on a brand new MP3 for me to listen to ... in the immediate time after. A very thoughtful sister ...

More Cabinets, Cupboards, CDs and Clocks Too ...

continuing on from the start of some serious spring cleaning. It has finally appeared in this home again after a few years of grief, following on from the time it ceased in this home for a while. 

I have been up on top, in and out of these areas pulling out what I will not likely to use again and packing up the trolley. You cannot waste time with selling in the various outlets because of the volume. or the continued help my husband was finally getting before he died ... which was not helpful when that did not continue to help the KIN !!!!  ... he died and was removed in a body bag ... The clutter did not go anywhere ... this was always overlooked ... it was always just about one ... which is an interesting point ...

There is no company who assists you in this process either ... 

You have to pay them for the clearance and then they make more money ... on it ... I will do this though with the help ... when I get to the bigger items for removal ... I can only do so much on my own ... I also enjoy the privacy finally of going through the belongings that are left ... for a while anyway ... 

The movement finally in the removal of items and walking to the charity shops and being able to spring clean means my weight gain is reversing ...  I do not miss the car ... not interested in boot fairs now ... My mind is too, preoccupied to drive safely ... and there is more than that as to why I am not currently driving ... 

Care, Continuity, and Communication, along with the recession ... lack of due care and attention, not using the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the many delays, training and holidays staff need to have ... all contributed to this death ... and the build up of that fateful timeline in my husbands life to the end ...  

A Varied Time

in this clime 

going back and forth 

to and froing

all that throwing

tossing and recycling 

getting order from disorder

illogical back to logical 

facing again those fears 

the laughter and tears

pulling the furniture out

cleaning with some clout

putting paint to brush 

to lessen the rush 

of the emotional drain 

and those silent tears of rain  

My Decor Efforts ...

Restoring a damaged table top 

Close up of the top 

to bring some order back in the home to remind me of what can be achieved from the disorder and muddle this one became ...

I was very tired from some of the clearing from the day before and to keep a routine going, I used what paint samples I had from the first year trying to get through the grief and all that was inside and out of my life at that time, before my hand was out of action for a while, when I injured my thumb and needing it stitched back together .... the nail removed and I had fractured it as well ...and then things continued to steadily get worse for a while in my adjustment period ... ultimately leading to the passing of my father 21 months after my husband too had passed on ...

Triggers and Memories Stirred ...

... I did digress a bit back to some more clothes ... 

I found something special from a time when I first tried to find a style. This is from the early days when the muddle was still happening in the unstructured assistance. It was more than anyone imagined ... even with experience of others in other homes by some involved ... I was still not interested in what was worn ... this month is as good as any to wear on special times ... after PS, I Love you times too ... which are very much still happening ... 

The amount that can get stuffed in the recesses of a home ... even after a mass clear ... And what they did not think of either ... but that is entirely another story ... and not one I can tell without personal distress ... to those others involved ... 

I can tell our story with husbands and daughters blessing for we know very much who we are ...

A Timely Challenge ...

see if my methods in madness works ... I have had many thoughts in this ... The next few days will see if some research in finding homes for things no longer generally wanted ... will land, in the landfill or not ... ? 

In the meantime tidy as I go ... to not be overwhelmed is the task over this time too ... and keep at it ... especially when I go round in circles or get side tracked ...

The home is giving up what I knew from the outset ...

of the mass clearance of a once cluttered home ... back to the functions of the rooms ... that this would finally give up a home where time has stood still ...

Where the normal movement of life did not happen for a while. I have been taken to a time usually gone by now. The continuing seasons of time which changes the home gradually ... except for those like ours. 

That is quite daunting in itself. And more so when a life is lost here with that time too ...